Kind, Cute… and Explosive? What You’re Missing in Dating

When I speak to young adults about what to look for in a partner, we often talk about shared values, attraction, life goals, kindness and common interests.  And yet, there’s one topic that hardly ever gets brought up: how someone responds to anger.

I’ve served as a reference for people during the dating process and, over the years, I’ve received some truly bizarre questions. One person asked, “Why did he go to that school when he was 18?”—he’s now 35. Another wanted to know if her body was a certain size or if it was just the dress she was wearing. Don’t get me started.

But one question stuck with me in the best way. A young man once called to ask if a potential match had ever been to therapy. I paused, unsure how to respond, until he added, “I hope the answer is yes—I only date women who’ve been to therapy. It means they deal with their problems head-on.”

Brilliant.

But still, in all these conversations, I’ve never been asked, “How does this person act when they’re angry?”

Most people have learned that the early stages of a relationship—the so-called honeymoon phase—are for best behavior. We smile through our teeth, put effort into every word and outfit, and filter our reactions. We could be fuming over a family argument and still answer the phone with sugar in our voice.

But here’s the truth: anger will eventually show up. And when it does, it can reveal so much more than those early pleasantries ever will.

Anger management isn't taught in schools (although maybe it should be). It’s assumed that parents and society will teach kids how to handle strong emotions. But what happens when those parents never learned themselves?

A child who grows up in a home where yelling, name-calling, or throwing things is normalized, might internalize these behaviors as acceptable responses to frustration. That child grows into an adult who, under stress, screams, curses, slams doors—or worse.

And here’s the kicker: you probably won’t see any of that in the early stages of dating. But eventually, it will emerge—and by then, you may already be deep into the relationship.

So let’s bring anger into the dating conversation.

Ask how your partner handles anger. Ask how their parents did. Listen to the stories they share.

For example:

• “When you got an 85 on your math test and your mom called you stupid, did that feel normal to you?”

• “When your dad came home and there was no dinner and he called your mom lazy, did you think that was acceptable?”

These stories matter. They shape how someone expresses emotion—especially the hard ones.

Explore your partner’s anger history. Understand it. If red flags arise, don’t ignore them. Talk about them. Bring in a trusted person or professional. I believe that anger expression can change, but it starts with awareness and willingness.

Know how your partner handles anger—and if needed, support them in getting the help they need. Because how we handle anger doesn’t just affect us—it shapes the emotional legacy we pass on to the next generation.